Truth is like a rotten tooth
by Kalifornia Koastal2
Summary: One shot. An internal monologue Dan is having battling his guilt and regret for being Gossip Girl and keeping it a secret from everyone


**A/N:** Hey guys! I got the idea for this one-shot when I watched the GG finale. I thought Dan must have been going through hell for years with the burden of keeping his alter ego a secret from everyone. Like Blair many people may thought why would Serena forgive him? I rellay tried to get into his psyche here and let him explain that his actions were not made out of a game but out of love and with a reason. What do you think would you forgive someone like that?

-K

**Truth is like a rotten tooth, you gotta spit it out**

Today was one of the worse days again.. one of these days where my bad conscious outweighs my denial.. my joy and happiness of being with her, my beautiful girlfriend Serena. Every smile she gives me leaves a little scar in my soul and every single of her sweet kisses have a bitter aftertaste. And it's all my fault. If she knew who I really am I guess all her love and care would turn into grief and anger..disappointment, hatred and the most of all pain. It's the game, the game I have been playing ever since I met her, although I don't like to call it a game because it makes me seem like a mental puppeteer who likes to play with people and their feelings but I don't consider myself like that, I consider myself as a good person who due to an unfortunate series of events, a white lie and a touch of insecurity got what he ever wanted but yet has nothing at all. In the beginning I just wanted to write, I was an author and writing my therapy. What did I need therapy for? Living in this incredible wealthy surrounding you quickly become an outcast if you are not as loaded as the rest. They made fun of me, ignored me in the best case. I realized writing might had not helped the situation itself but it helped me to deal with those things, it made it easier for me to get it off my chest. So I started to write stories about these people, about what I saw. Just some short stories in which I ridicule these rich kids, kind of like Tanja Gorodnikowa does in her stories, just that I'm not one of them. It helped for some time but then I wanted them published.. I wanted to put them out there, I don't know why but knowing people would read them made this whole "get things off your chest and tell the world" thing even better. In today's times nothing is easier than this, there is a thousand way to make the things you do count, and also a thousand ways to meet someone. I just set up a blog.. but how should I name it? I didn't want people to know it was me it was kind of embarrassing, although I think most people didn't know who I was anyway. Furthermore I didn't want to know people from what point of view I was writing from.. rich or poor, boy or girl. They should judge my writing and not who I was so I was thinking of simply naming it "Gossip". I don't know why but just when I was about to enter I was scared people would find out so I made the gossiper a girl just to to prevent any suspicion. Mistake number one I guess.

Then I met her.. the blonde van der Woodsen heiress, epitome of beauty, kindness and just incredibly perfect in my eyes. She talked to me at that party I was accidentally invited to..she was the only one actually.. but before I got to know her her friends dragged her away already giving me a look of disgust, a look that clearly said "You don't belong here. Stop talking to her", and that was when the whole idea of Gossip Girl was born. I might was not a part of her world, I might wasn't born into this world, but I could write myself into it. By this time Gossip Girl already had some followers and I decided to replace my satiric stories with gossip only. And when the time was right I would just write about myself.. lonely boy, to get the Upper class' attention. And guess what it worked. Thanks to my followers and sources I got the information that Serena was at the Palace bar that night she ran into me, thanks to that I got to know her, to date her and I got her to love me. In the beginning it was easy, I just blocked the though of constantly veiling my identity out and enjoyed the love she was giving me so true and pure. But as time passed by I realized how intoxicated our relationship really was, intoxicated with my lies and dishonesty. Every time she tells me I love you I return it and I really mean it but I can't help to think it not as pure as her's because how can I deceive someone I love so much so baldy? It was an internal battle every time she said this to me. Next thing was the fear, the fear of her discovering the truth. I always double checked if I was logged out on my laptop, that my second phone I got my sources' messages on was switched to mute when I was with her. Damn every time she sent a message to Gossip Girl in my presence my heart skipped a beat as I was afraid I might had forgotten to mute it. And no it didn't even stop there, I kept having dreams of her finding out or even worse Blair finding out and humiliating me in front of everyone. At some point I wish I just told her in the very beginning, it wouldn't have been that bad then but now I am way to deep into all of this and I guess there is no chance for redemption anymore. Now that I have her I was thinking of just taking the site down, put an End to Gossip Girl, but I realized there would be no use in it, I will always have been Gossip Girl in the past and will always have to live with that lie unless I won't reveal everything.

And there is her feelings too. What if I grew the balls and told myself I can live without her, I can live with that she will leave me as soon as I tell her and I can even live with her hating me. Every time I think I'm going to tell her she does something nice for me and I have a hard time holding back my tears.. I'll admit that. I know she had only rocky relationships with boys in the past that all hurt her and now she is glad she has someone like me.. but if she finds out I'm just like them or maybe even worse I'm afraid it will throw her off track. She will be devastated and I can't do this to her, I love her too much so I keep procrastinating it. Maybe I could also just let her go step by steep like let our relationship fade out, but then again she wouldn't know why I'm acting so distant and that won't make her feel better as well.

I just wish there was a rewind button in life, just a button I could press and go back to the beginning of our relationship and clear things up right away. I wouldn't go as far as to the point where I created Gossip Girl because without her I would have never got involved with Serena so it's hard to regret that. But I would speak the truth from the beginning this time.

One of my favorite daydreams is when I just picture myself telling her, telling her basically what I just thought here, explaining everything, explaining that what I did was not out of joy for the game or because I'm crazy. Explain that I am just a guy who did all this out of love, unconditionally love for her, do you think she would understand? Do you think she would forgive me? Would you?


End file.
